Are you "stressed out"?

Happy New Year?!   By the time you get this, January will be a memory…I know, crazy isn’t it?

I often get asked how I choose the topics to write about, and, not surprisingly, I consistently get feedback about how “relevant” and “bang on” they are.  This is not by chance.  It is because I am constantly listening to what goes on around me. Wherever I am.  Grocery store, gym, coffee shop, with clients and friends etc. basically everywhere.  If you listen long enough, you will pick up what the pulse is around you,

So why am I already writing about being “stressed out”?  Right…I’ve been listening.

I can pretty much guarantee you, if you ask a few of your friends/family/work colleagues or the cashier at the local grocery store how they are, the answer will be “I am so stressed out”...sometimes not in those words.  Could be, I am so busy I cannot keep up, I have too much to do, not enough money, a child that is causing me grief, a boss I can’t work with etc. 

When I start to explore these answers with clients and ask the question “what is stressing you out”?,  I usually get one of two responses - “everything” or “I don’t know”.  And, quite frankly, neither is really useful to move forward.  Why? Because until you are able to identify what is causing it, it is difficult to tap into it.  Yes, I said, tap into it.  How, you may ask or maybe why, would you want to tap into the energy of your stress?  Because and I know this will irk some of you,  what if you consider that “being stressed out” is actually a behaviour rather than something that happens to you? When you are able to do this, then you are able to gain some power over it so you can harness it for something useful, because despite the bad rap it gets, not all stress is bad and without some stress, life would be pretty boring.

Once a client is actually able to identify a scenario when they were “stressed out” I am able to take them through a mapping of exactly what is creating their “stress” or being “stressed out” or as I call it - their strategy for being stressed- and it never fails to make me smile when I can see their patterns emerging on the whiteboard.  It may take them a little while, but eventually, they cannot ignore the story that is showing up in front of them.  The moment of oh, ya…that. That is what has to be true for me to be “stressed” out.  And, often they figure out that “stress” has just ended up being something they “do”, yes, it is a thing, a response and ultimately…yikes…a behaviour and, good news here, because it is a behaviour, you can modify or change it or at least intercept it and channel it elsewhere.

That’s when we can get some traction.  When the story appears before your eyes, it is hard to ignore. And, it is often so empowering to see what you have to “do” to be “stressed out”. It can open up opportunities to intervene prior to a situation stressing you out or to stop it in its tracks when it starts showing up.

It is so powerful to be able to become aware and then deflate the scenario before it gets to the “stressful” point.  You can identify what has to be present within you and around you for the behaviour to occur and, with practice, you will become able to channel that behaviour elsewhere or intervene (with some deep belly breaths, a walk or maybe even dancing) before the situation escalates.  It is a skill, and like any other skill, with practice, you can get better.

It all starts with considering that stress is something you “do” and therefore, something you can manage and influence.  

Want a coach to help you  identify how you do your “stress” without judgement and with zero emotional attachment to it?  Reach out.  Another game changing possibility awaits you.

What if you ask?

Really. What would happen if you asked for what you wanted?

I recently had a conversation with someone who is exploring the same path I am and came from a similar background. While we spoke about many things, one thing that seemed so obvious to us now …good old 20/20 hindsight - that seemed to elude us years ago - was - why didn’t we just ask the question?

What question? Where do I begin? There are so many scenarios - ask your boss for the raise, the promotion, the time off. Ask your partner to make the lunches, sweep the floor, rub your shoulders. Ask your friends to pick you up from the bus stop, hang out. Ask your parents to lend you the 500 bucks. Ask someone else, to go check in on the sick uncle, do Mom’s laundry, plan the surprise party. So many scenarios where simply asking could have got you what you wanted! Just.by ASKING.

In the theme of self-care which is popping up these past few weeks…maybe because it is the beginning of the year and intentions for change are so strong, I again felt compelled to put this out there.

If you don’t ask - you will NEVER get.

What is the worst thing that can happen when you ask? You get an answer of “no”. However, you may get an answer of “yes”. And, even if the answer is no, you have opened the door for the discussion to happen.

Here’s my challenge for you today - ask just one person to do something for you today. You just might be pleasantly surprised. Look at it like a skill…and practice. Start small, stay consistent. You’ve got this. and, if you are ready to start asking consistently and want someone to coach you through those conversations…reach out! I’m thinking that having someone on your side to help you frame those conversations, without any emotional attachment may just be a game changer for you!

What do you do for "self-care"?

Call it “filling your cup” or “putting your own oxygen mask on before someone else’s"…there are different ways of describing it. Regardless of how it is described, clearly “self-care” is a topic that is worth discussing. Why? Because the truth of the matter is, if you are not taking care of yourself, you are not any good to anyone else PERIOD.

As a coach, probably 95% of my clients are women and I’m guessing that this is not a surprise. I am relatable. Whether you are a parent or not, there are friends, family, jobs, pets and many other competitors for your time. I just happened to work in a corporate job while raising my two children, did coach training and managed my home, extra curricular activities for the family etc. etc. I’m guessing probably like many of you reading this. And…I was lucky enough to have a good friend at the time who served as a great role model for me. She and I had babies about five months apart - hers was born first. And the lessons I learned from her example I am eternally grateful for.

I learned to make time for myself. Even if that meant going out to the grocery store for an hour and leaving baby home with Dad. As time went on, that morphed into other activities that made me a better Mom, wife, friend and employee, among many other things.

Why is this a “thing” that I feel compelled to write about? Because of the conversations I am still having with women, whether they are clients sitting across the table from me; friends at the gym; conversations overheard in the doctor’s office or grocery store…it is still a relevant conversation to be having. Women aren’t making it to their own “to do” lists and it is costing them their health.

What can you do if this situation resonates for you?

Start by getting yourself on your “to do” list - as number one. Yikes! I can hear the gasps already. Before you stop reading, maybe just hear me out. I am talking about doing little things throughout the day that nurture you in some way. This could mean taking an extra minute or two in the shower in the morning; actually finishing your coffee or tea; perhaps taking a 10 minute walk at lunch and, I know this seems out there, sitting and taking some deep belly breaths on the couch when you get home in the evening before you jump into the next activity. It really doesn’t matter what you choose to do. The point is to acknowledge yourself by taking care of yourself, because, believe it or not, there is no gold star or medal at the end of the road for you if you don’t take care of yourself. That doesn’t exist.

You know you can’t get something out of an empty vessel - so what if you did…”fill your cup” or “put your oxygen mask on first”? What would be different for you?

What keeps you motivated?

Its early in the year and even so, I find it is never too early to think about motivation. I have been reflecting on the tools I use to stay motivated and thought I would share one of my favourites today. One thing that I am guessing is not unique to me is that a song can completely change how I am feeling at any given time, can pump me up and change my perspective. So, I thought I'd share my “playlist” that never fails to give me energy to keep going and I would love to hear what song(s) you go to when you want some motivation.

I came up with five songs. Why five songs? For no other reason than when I thought about what my “go to” songs were for motivation or inspiration, these songs came instantly!

1. “Closing Time” by Semisonic - why this song? I love the line in the song “every new beginning comes from some other beginning’s end” - because - sometimes, in order to move on in life, something has to end - a relationship, a job, an attitude - in order to allow for something new to begin. Rather than looking at this as a “sad” thing, it is always a place for reflection and gratitude. What did I learn? Where can I take this experience I have gained?

2. “Can’t Stop” by the Red Hot Chili Peppers - there are a couple of sentiments expressed in this song that speak to me - “choose not a life of imitation”; “go write your message on the pavement” - being you. I’m wondering if any one else received the opposite message? I’m guessing that if you went to a traditional school, the first thing you learned was that “fitting in” matters. If you decided to write “your message on the pavement” - what would it say?

3. “Relentless” by The Arkells - sticking to something long enough to reap the rewards. In this “instant gratification” world we live in, it is good to be reminded that an “overnight” success often takes a number of years. Being relentless, for me, means seeing the possibilities and remembering the reasons you started out as fuel to keep going. What could be possible if you became “relentless” about something you want?

4. “Work Shoes” by USS- Time to move on. I for one, have learned that staying too long anywhere is not a good idea. Staying “long enough” is always better. Knowing which is which….well, that is more of an art than a science! Where are you lingering too long?

5. “Medicine Bow” by The Water Boys - Acknowledging the voice in your head that no longer represents who you are anymore. Being brave and cutting the ties that have been keeping you stuck. What is the voice in your head telling you? Is it still true?

Why this? Why now? January is a time of refreshment for many of us. There really is a rule of beginnings that most definitely kicks in at the beginning of the year. And, it also kicks in Mondays, the first day of the month/quarter etc. (for more on this read Dan Pink’s book “When”). Also, for some people, with non-traditional careers, January is a continuation in the journey and sometimes, a little motivation is useful.

I would love to hear from you…what song keeps you going?

Need some motivation? Contact me for a no obligation chat! .

5 Questions to ask (and answer!) ...everyday!

I am a wanna be journal writer - if that’s even a thing. Don’t get me wrong, I do enjoy writing, obviously! However the practice of daily writing and reflection that is supposed to be so very useful has eluded me. I have tried, occasionally, until it started to feel like “work” - usually by day two!

So what have I discovered that has changed this for me? These five simple questions that take minutes to answer, because often they can be answered in one word. I can’t take credit for them, although I also do not know who came up with them.

So - here they are - actually in order because it does make a difference. I recommend doing this first thing in the morning before you start your day.

1. I am (feeling)? Just notice without judgement. It is information. Is it determined, sad, joyful, tired, happy etc.? Check in.

2. I want…? Whatever this means for you. I’ve learned to let whatever “pops” into my head be the “thing” that I will focus on for that day. I figure that it must have come up for a reason.

3. I choose to…? This is an action step - you can’t get what you want without deciding that you will do something. Again, something usually bubbles up for me that seems to be what I need to do.

4. I ask for…? For some, this could be a request to their God, guide, source or it could be an actual person that you want to ask something of.

5. I am grateful for….? There seems to be a lot of evidence that suggests gratitude is a way to live a happier life. Pick one thing. If you are having a difficult time, it could be the bed and pillow you have or the good cup of coffee you had yesterday. It doesn’t have to be a huge thing. Oh yeah, and if more than one thing comes up feel free to write that down too!

So why do I like this, and actually stick to it? It takes maybe 5 minutes maximum and usually much less, and, it really has made a difference in how I approach my day - with some focus and clarity.

Give it a try! I’d love to get your feedback. Interested in taking the 7 day challenge? Subscribe below to receive a free worksheet.

Want more guidance on getting clear? Contact me for a no obligation chat.

Bye bye 2018....

"Every new beginning comes from some other beginning's end". Semisonic

I love quoting this line from a song from my past because it never gets old for me. Simple, yet such a powerful way to sum up how life goes. Sometimes in order to move on , we must leave something behind.

As this is the last day of 2018 I thought I would share an exercise on setting intentions that I did this morning. Simple yet thought provoking and insightful. Feel free to grab a piece of paper and something to write with if you wish.

The key here is to NOT think too much - the first thing that pops into your mind is there for a reason. Get curious about it and don't judge it or try to make sense of it. Just notice it.

First - think of something you would like to leave behind from 2018 - it could be a relationship, a habit, a feeling etc.

Then, think of something you would like to keep from this past year -again could be a feeling, relationship, perhaps a new and useful habit.

Finally, think of something you would like to add or have more of in 2019.

I am intrigued by what came up for me and still mulling it over. That is the point - to get you thinking.

So, will you take just 5 minutes??

I wish you a Happy New Year and Happy New Beginnings!

If you are looking for someone to help you get clarity on your “new beginning” contact me via my website:

www.steppingstonecoaching.ca

At the end of the day, the “achievement” is not the prize..

2019 is on the heels of 2018…and approaching quickly.

As you head to the “finish line”…whatever that may mean for you this year, I wanted to share some reflections on “achievement” and offer some tips for staying the course, especially for those who are working on long term personal or professional goals where the end of the year may not signify “completion” for you. You know, the “trophy” moment.

The "prize", the trophy, the medal, the certificate, is the celebration. The symbol of the last piece in the puzzle, the final milestone being met. I'm guessing if you asked anyone to tell you about one of their achievements, they would not run over to their drawer and pull out their medal and show it to you.  Rather, they would tell you a story.  Why?  Because, it is in the road they took to get there that was full of potholes, hills and unexpected gravelly spots that made it an achievement. That’s what makes it a story.

Think about the word “achievement”. By definition, it is something that is challenging and worthwhile…in other words, an accomplishment.

Celebrating the road that lead to the achievement is what really matters. Learning to recognize when you are making progress, noticing what may have gotten in the way and how you were able to get moving again. The obstacles met and overcome. I’m guessing that no one is going to tell you a story about something that went off without a hitch…where’s the story in that?

Achievements give us a chance to notice the patterns that may emerge when we are working hard towards something we want. Perhaps noticing that taking even the smallest of steps towards our goal, rather than doing nothing at all makes a difference, or noticing the things that get you "stuck", and what skills or resources you draw on to get you going again.

I’m guessing that at some point, you started with a "direction", something you wanted. A setting of your compass.  You didn’t have to know every step, it started with the first one. It might have been a phone call, an email or to register for that first course. It was all about setting the wheels in motion and, as you continued to take steps, the compass may have started to shift and lead you somewhere else. 

Ask yourself: am I where I thought I would be when I set out in January of this year? If not, are you further along, behind, or did you course correct and decide that the “goal” you had actually wasn’t important anymore? Just notice. This is life. We don’t have a crystal ball to let us know what will happen so we make a plan and start from there. Some might call this a strategy. The thing about strategies is, if they are too rigid, we risk missing the opportunities that are right under our noses. A plan or strategy that has backbone and direction and also flexibility leaves room for course correction. Options. Because a plan without options well….sounds….kind of like a straightjacket.

As you continue on your quest for that achievement, remember to stop and look around every now and then and to savour all of the experiences that present themselves because, at the end of the day, it is the experiences along the way that make it worthwhile. That is why it is an achievement!

Are you looking for someone to help you with your strategy when you get stuck? Contact me for a chat about how I can help get you moving again.

Is it time for a wake up call?

Well?? Is it?

I’m not referring to the “olden days” when a wake up call was a call you arranged for when you were staying in a hotel and wanted to make sure that you got up in time for something you were planning on doing. That is probably the only time that a wake up call is invited and expected. I’m talking about those moments in life when things change, often in a heartbeat and nothing is ever the same again.

A “wake up call” is a call to action. It could be a result of an “aha” moment, you know, that moment when someone says something that lands with you in a way that changes your previous thinking about a situation and you have your own mini-epiphany. Or, it could be a result of an “oh sh*t” moment, a moment that blindsides you and leaves you wondering “what am I going to do now”? And, it could be that moment when you decide that enough is enough. I’m done….with whatever it is…the job, the relationship, your physical state, way of thinking etc.

A “wake up” call doesn’t sneak up on you, it is a whoosh…and all of a sudden, things will never be the same. It is that kind of experience, a moment that can knock the wind out of you and leave you breathless. It can also be the moment that propels you to the next amazing chapter in your life. Regardless it is a “call to action” where taking action might be the last thing on your mind. In fact, that is typically why it is a wake up call. Now what?

It is nearly the end of November. I know…sorry about that. Has another year gone by where you are wondering where the time went? You really meant to do this or to stop that, but then….

I felt compelled to write this article as I know a few people who recently received an unplanned wake up call and are looking for what’s next. However, I also know far too many people who have gotten to this time of year again by doing the same old thing, getting the same old thing and wanting something else. Putting in time.

Sometimes a wake up call gives you no other option than to make a decision, start something new, re-visit something you used to do or ….or what? That can be what happens too. Now what? Rather than been caught like a deer in the headlights, what if you actually had a plan?

What if you consider this message an invitation for a “wake up” call…your call to action. How would New Year’s Eve be different this year as you reflect on that thing you ended up taking action on because you decided it was time?

When the count down to 2019 is on how do you want to be feeling?  Do you want to feel like you are starting off on the right foot, that you are taking your situation under your control?  That you DO have options? Fast forward one year...what do you want to see? How do you want to feel?  

It is possible to start planning to be where you want to be in 2019. To be setting yourself up for the best year ever.  There are so many possibilities for you!  

Want to make 2018 the year that you decided to take a step towards what you want? Or do you want to continue to put things on hold until …..It is time to claim the life you deserve!  Lets discover your next step together.  

Are you too committed to your S**T?

Whoa! Not what you were expecting? Cool.  Feel free to stop reading now. 

If, however,  you are just a little bit intrigued or curious then read on...

As you know, I am a coach and I am also a human being who has had many interactions with many people over many years. So...although I haven't heard it all, I have heard a lot! And...what I've learned (that maybe some of you smart people already know) is that people can be really committed...to their kids who won’t empty the dishwasher,  partners who don’t pick up their socks, jobs that they don't necessarily like etc.. and whatever else they put on their "list" of important things. 

What isn't on their” list”? THEM.

Ask them about their commitment to themselves, their health,  happiness whether at home or at work, or with their physical being,  relaxation or gasp...something that they do just for themselves and then you hear it.....they are too busy “doing" that they don't have enough time or they are only staying at their job “until”, maybe they are good at starting stuff but something always comes up to get in the way of finishing it; they procrastinate and find excuses and never, quite make it to their own “list” of important stuff.

Why? Various reasons for sure and there are also common themes. I refer to it as “being committed to their S**T”!  

Sometimes It is much more comfy doing stuff for someone else than facing your own s**t and you come off as looking noble or perhaps a martyr. 

Sometimes,  you are getting something out of that s**t. Yep. Not a judgement...just a fact… we do not do things that don't give us a benefit even if the benefit is complaining rights at the lunchroom table!

Sometimes, the thought of doing something about your commitment to your s**t means trying something new and different and yikes..that is downright scary! 

No matter what your reason may be….you deserve better.

Why am I bringing this up now? I don’t know. Maybe I've just heard one too many of these stories….

Those who know me well know that I am pretty passionate when it comes to making choices and living your best life. I love how the Red Hot Chili Peppers put it: “this life is more than just read through” - so much truth here.

So, if you are ready to commit to YOU…reach out. I am always available for a ZERO obligation call to see if we’re a fit.

I've got some good news...and some bad news...

Willpower is a skill.

That’s it. The good news and the bad news.

Whoa! Slow down..before you start making assumptions (like this is an article about weight loss) take a moment. Bear with me here. Willpower is a skill! For those who think I’m making this up, check out Kelly McGonigal’s Ted Talk..there’s actually scientific proof. Ahh, now I hear the exhales from my former scientific colleagues, yes, this is backed by research.

Here’s the good news….willpower is a skill that you can practice and grow like a muscle and it is backed by science.

So why am I choosing to write about this now? Truthfully? I just gave a talk about willpower this past weekend so it is fresh in my mind. Also, I looked at the calendar and noticed that it is October! What happened to the rest of the year?

In business, this marks the home stretch, the final quarter. The time when the gas pedal may need an extra tap and there are mounting priorities…both in and outside work. That just, aren’t, getting, done. Period.

That’s where willpower comes in. Willpower provides the “pull” to keep you going when you are working on a goal. But let’s get clear first. Until you know what you want to achieve, then all the willpower in the world will not help you.

Step one is to get clear on what you want to achieve. Have a goal. Believe in it. This belief will give you purpose and help you persevere.

Step two is to expect there to be roadblocks. Any goal that is worthwhile will have difficulties. When the roadblocks hit, you fall off the wagon or you mess up. aka “fail”. Forgive yourself. Don’t take my word for it…take McGonigal’s! This is key to persevering.

Step three is to build a strategy to manage those roadblocks, so when they come (not if they come) you can adjust your sails, course correct, get some help and then take another step. Oh yeah.. and learn.

Repeat. What I love about this is that as you continually repeat the cycle, you may notice that “fail” starts to get replaced with “succeed”!

Practice. Fail (and forgive!). Learn. Repeat.

I love this. For anything from business goals to parenting to knitting and yes, even losing weight.

What else can you do? Set mini goals. Improve your willpower - meditate, exercise, breathe, get more sleep, No kidding (that’s actually backed by science).

Oh and you might be wondering why I said this was good and bad news. The good news, willpower is a skill and, a skill is something you can acquire and develop. Everyone. The bad news, there is no longer the “I just don’t have any willpower” excuse!

Need help tapping into your willpower? Contact me for a zero obligation chat.