NOTE: this was written in 2019 and never published, I discovered it in my draft box on March 29th, 2020..ironic?
Do you subscribe to the idea or illusion of "control"? I have been thinking about writing this one for a while now. If you have been reading my stuff for a while you know that I write about the things I hear, things that people talk about with me or around me and sometimes about my own experiences. This one probably touches on all of those.
Control ~ "the power to influence or direct people's behaviour or the course of events"
That sounds like a lot of responsibility to me, yet I hear it all the time. I catch people saying it "control". For some, it is a simply a figure of speech. For others however, it can be a behaviour that is limiting them from so much. Control and its very close cousin, perfection often go hand in hand and they can be a destructive pair. The idea of having control sounds harmless enough yet, when you dig deeper it often reveals something else. Control can be a front for fear, avoidance, safety- just to name a few motivations lurking below the surface. The key is to figure out which one of these is driving the control bus and then to unpack it just enough to work on changing the thinking around it.
Quickest way to realize you actually have no control?
Have a baby, get a puppy or kitten. Then who really has control?
We want to control the puppy or our children's behaviour when they are "acting out"; we want to control our partner's choices when they do not reflect what we might do. We have this illusion that we know how to "do it the right way". It can create a rigid way of being. Rigid, that doesn't sound like a word that anyone I know would like to be described as, yet, this is what they want in their life....control. The master plan with no deviations. I am afraid that it does not exist. Life will definitely throw you some curve balls just to remind you of this.(I could not have foreseen the irony here!)
I am not going to pretend that I am even remotely close to being an expert on this one although I must confess that I have worked with more than a few people who live under this illusion. Usually with a price tag that includes anxiety, sometimes irritability and often dissatisfaction.
As with any quality, control has its place. I'm guessing that if you are driving in snow and you hit a patch of ice, you may want to be able to control your car? Just think for a moment what "control" does in this situation. Your focus narrows with one outcome in mind and anything in the periphery is gone. 100% appropriate and necessary for the situation. Now think how the "control" of other things may mimic this exact type of behaviour - single focus, inability to see anything beyond what is directly in front of you. Tunnel vision.
I work with people who are interested in changing the way they think or behave and are stuck in a fog trying to figure it out. Slowly working together with an approach that blends a process with conversation and compassion creates an environment where slow, sustainable changes can happen. The result in the long term? Transformative change.
What are you ready to let go of?
