Maybe not…
...don't be late, don’t worry, don't step in the puddle, don't forget the milk...
Parents, bosses, friends, people! Are you being clear?
Are you telling people what you want or what you don't want? I'm not trying to be facetious here, we're really good at expressing what we don't want...all good information for sure, AND... how much more useful would it be to be super clear on what you DO want?
Here's a quick example of how easily and readily we do this...
I'm walking past an elementary school yard on day one of school this past week. As I do, I overhear a teacher saying to her class as they're rushing to the playground "Don't fight over the bicycles." I smile to myself, it's such a natural thing to say, however, the way our brains process this is, in order to "not fight", they have to think about fighting first and then think about not doing it. I know it sounds weird but any time you say don't to somebody the first thing they have to do is think about doing that thing that you don't want them to do...so the kids have to think about fighting, you have to think about forgetting the milk, about stepping in the puddle...before you get to the part about 'not' doing it...it's tricky, right?! Just a small example of how we tend to be really clear on what we don't want and maybe not so good at articulating exactly what we do want, which, let's face it, is so much easier for everyone.
How many times have you said "Don't forget to pick up the milk (or whatever it is)" It's a habit and we all do it. I want to suggest that being clear on what you want in the little things will translate over to the big things and that's going to be really useful if speaking with confidence and getting results is in your plans.
Stating what we want is so much more useful. So what could that teacher have said?
Intention.
Be conscious of what action she wants the kids to take.
Instead of "not fighting" what would she prefer that the kids DO?
Articulate that to the kids. Maybe something like, remember to take turns on the bicycles.
Practice.
Being intentional is so powerful if you practice it and learn to put it into place and not just on the playground. Knowing how you want to "be" in a situation and then practicing it. e.g. clear, focused, confident, etc.
And in the case of the milk? Instead of saying "Don't forget to pick up the milk" - maybe try "Remember to pick up the milk".
What does this have to do with building your confidence?
One of the Hallmarks of a confident person? They're intentional. They get clear on what they want and then they practice getting it. Part of that intention is thinking through the scenario they're going to be in. Asking themselves: How do I want to show up in this situation? Maybe drawing on their own previous experiences or modeling how they want to be on someone they know or a character in a movie who has the qualities they would like to have in that particular situation. Regardless, they work on it. A lot, until these practices become a habit.
Are you ready?
Let's get to it...
Your challenge...
Are you ready to be more aware of asking for what you want, whether it's a behaviour from a kid, partner, or employee or a particular result in the boardroom?
Notice!
Seems obvious and it's true. You can't do something about a habit until you know you're doing it and this linguistic habit isn't limited to one thing, you're going to notice that it shows up everywhere! So starting with noticing is a big deal.
This applies to what your inner voice is saying as well...a whole other blog I'm thinking...
Intention.
Be conscious of what you're trying to achieve.
If it's action-related, ask yourself "What do I want this person to DO?" vs. "Not do".
Or it could be, how do you want to show up?
Practice.
Practice articulating what you want before you actually say it, especially in those high-stakes situations.
Being intentional is so powerful if you practice it and learn to put it into place.
Knowing how you want to "be" in a situation and then practicing it. e.g. clear, focused, confident, etc. until it just becomes your natural way of being.
When you start to make this change a habit, you're going to notice that you start getting the results you actually want. Pretty cool.
A big part of what I offer as a Confidence Coach is, helping you to be intentional in all of your interactions. Especially those where there's no "do-over".
Want to learn more about how a few sessions with me can dramatically increase your confidence? Contact me I guarantee you'll be glad you did!
Warmly,
Ann
Are you being clear? Maybe not…