Is it time for the talk?

Let's Talk Boundaries…

“The only people who’ll be upset by your boundaries, are those who benefited from you having none.” - Unknown

It's time to get real here. About a year ago I was burnt out, over-committed ...just plain done. I figured a break was in order and so I awkwardly tried to set a boundary and, much like the quote above, the first response I received was that it wasn't good timing for someone else.

Tough shit.

I can say that now but I most certainly couldn't articulate it then. I've changed, and I'm continuing to work on this whole skill of boundary setting. Particularly tough when people pleasing and seeking the approval of others was at the top of the list for me. Not necessarily by choice. More by habit. Habits that were set up a very long time ago. These habits were becoming a detriment to me and my growth and it was time to take a stand for me.

How about you? What habits do you have that are getting in the way of setting some healthy boundaries?

For many of you reading this, you've been socialized to please others and seek approval, NOT to set healthy boundaries.  It's not your fault. It comes from your lived experiences that, over time created habits and these habits were definitely useful to you at some point in your life. That was then. This is now. 

I am grateful for what happened now.  The gift of 20/20 hindsight is that, over time, things get more and more clear. 

So here are a few things I learned:

  • Trust your intuition.

    • Don't ignore it and let things pile up.

  • Don't make someone or something a priority over your own needs.

    • A default behaviour for people pleasers by the way...

  • Check in and see: Is the way you're spending your time and energy aligned with your values?

    • If it's not, there's eventually going to be a disconnect.


How do you know it's time to set a boundary?

  • You know you need to set a boundary when you're more worried about how the other person is going to feel than your own feelings.

  • You start to feel resentful and maybe some anger and fear.

  • You've lost track of your priorities. 

Here's some food for thought:

  • Ask yourself: What do you need?

    • A tip here - check in with your values*.

  • When you start to set boundaries that are in your best interest expect pushback.

    • This isn't going to come from those who support you, it's going to come from those who benefited from your lack of boundaries.

  • Be prepared for a whole different set of feelings.

    • For example, feelings of guilt and fear are a normal part of the process. If you're not used to setting boundaries, this often comes up.

 

Ready to set some boundaries?

Let’s get to it…

Your challenge…

If you're new at setting boundaries it's going to feel awkward.

  • It's going to take some practice, so start small and build the muscle.

    • Where's one small place where you can start?

  • Prepare for your conversation in advance.

    • This may mean writing what you want to say down on paper and practicing it.

  • Make it about you.

    • Remember, you're going to be less likely to compromise on what's important to you.

  • Give yourself some grace.

    • You're trying a new skill, it may not go smoothly the first time.



When you decide to put a line in the sand remember, others won't be used to it, and...they will get used to it!  It's going to feel risky if it's something you've never done before. The thing about risk is, avoiding it means no risk but if you don't take a risk, nothing's going to change. The people who truly care about you will understand and respect you and your boundaries.

And if you meet resistance, remember:

"The only people who’ll be upset by your boundaries, are those who benefited from you having none.” - Unknown 


This in and of itself will confirm that a boundary is necessary.

If you're ready to set some boundaries Contact me  You have all of the skills, strengths, and capabilities you need. Let’s work together and reconnect you with them!

Warmly,
Ann

*Not clear on your values? There are several free online questionnaires (e.g. https://www.viacharacter.org/ ) you can do or you can sit down and write the things that light you up, bring you joy, and make your heart sing - those are big clues.

Is it time for the talk? Let’s talk boundaries…