Hang on! What's the hurry?

What's the hurry to "get there"? Check-in. Have you ever found yourself saying: As soon as I figure this out I'll...Or then I'll do that.  I just want to *you fill in the blank* and then I can... 

You act as if when you get something figured out then everything else will be great.  Here's a news flash for you...it's not necessarily true! It's actually the process that provides the satisfaction. Not the trophy.

Patience is underrated especially when you’re growing a skill.

Why are we less likely to be patient when we're trying to learn a new skill? 

• Learning something new can be awkward.

• We want to skip the discomfort of being "new" at something. 

• Our brains want us to stay as we are so they fight change and that can make being patient a challenge.

• We underestimate the power of small consistent steps when it comes to gaining expertise.

Here's some food for thought: Have you ever considered that rushing through slows you down? 

How?

• When you're rushing through you're more likely to miss the small details, the low-hanging fruit. The information that's just out there, right beyond your grasp. All of that information that's always around you that you're not noticing because you're in such a hurry to "get it done"!

Impatience. Why are we impatient to get to the finish line?  My guess (and full disclosure here, my own personal experience) is to avoid the discomfort of learning something and not being good at it yet.  That sometimes flailing feeling when you're not competent at something and you really want to be. The "in-between" time, you know...the messy middle where you're practicing and failing and tripping over your own feet..until you're not. That feeling.

When you don't know something and you're trying to learn, your brain is trying to point back toward the status quo. It's real. It wants you to stay the way you are...keep being predictable. That in and of itself is a challenge.

I don't know about you but I like to know things and when I'm learning and not where I wanna be, it feels really frustrating and sometimes, a little scary.

The power of patience. What's the value of taking a breath to consider all options, all angles and not simply acting in haste to get to the end, to get to the finish line?

Are you ready?

Let’s get to it…

Your challenge…

If you're in the midst of learning a new skill. No matter what it may be, take a pause to do some reflecting.  It's easy to forget what it's like to learn something new and you can underestimate the time it took.  Sometimes it’s useful to think about a skill you're already proficient at.  Maybe it's making great espresso, riding a bike, doing the perfect backflip, or active listening, something that you do without much thought now.

Think back and reflect on the process you went through to get there. All the steps you had to take. The failures and setbacks. All of it. Reaching your goals gives you a chance to notice the patterns that emerge when you’re working hard towards something you want. Noticing the things that got you stuck, and what skills or resources you drew upon to get going again.

At some point, you started with an endpoint in mind, something you wanted. You didn’t have to know every step, it started with the first one. It was all about setting the wheels in motion and, as you continued to take steps, maybe you even had some patience.

Every expert, without exception, started out as a beginner.  There may be some shortcuts however, there are still going to be times when you're simply not going to know and you're going to have to be patient and put in the time.

Deciding to make a change or grow a new skill is acknowledging you're willing to be "bad" at something before you get "good" at it. This is something that's not necessarily comfortable however when you want to continue to learn and grow, it's necessary.  Putting yourself out there and trying new things, asking questions fumbling, and getting back up again. Showing yourself grace and patience. 

I'm a few steps ahead of you, shining some light on the breadcrumb trail for you... Contact me  Let's play a bit in the muck!

Warmly,
Ann

Hang on! What’s the hurry?

Time to dig deep...let's talk beliefs...

While letting go of unrealistic expectations and judgement is key to growing a skill, there's another, often sneaky, perhaps surprising thing to consider.

Time to dig deep here...let's talk beliefs. When it comes to letting go...this one's a doozy.

Beliefs. How deep are your beliefs? Very. The thing about beliefs is, we tend to categorize them. We say that some beliefs are good, or bad, or there are "limiting beliefs".  The fact of the matter is all beliefs are limiting...good, bad, or otherwise.  Maybe read that again. That's their job. They act as filters to your world and that's pretty useful, you need to have something to believe in and follow.  They tend to narrow your perspective and keep some information out, usually information that doesn't support them, they're sneaky that way.

We usually don't question them unless we come to a crossroads, perhaps where the beliefs that we have are bumping up against something that we want. That's usually when the questioning begins. This can feel really uncomfortable because if you believed in something, a concept, or an idea and all of a sudden you're questioning it, it can be really confronting.

Beliefs create stability for us, they form our foundation. Your beliefs have been planted over time right from the minute you entered this world, planted...not vicariously but they're planted, sometimes unconsciously by your environment or the early models you had in your life. As humans, we adapt. If you want to be part of the club you have to assimilate and that's useful for sure. This is not about throwing all your beliefs out the window rather, start noticing which are the ones that aren't useful when you're embarking on something new. Growth and change are going to rattle those beliefs sometimes and that's the time to ask yourself: Is this belief still useful for me? Listen to the whisper.

For example, if your belief is that it's your job to "keep the peace", then "rocking the boat" for your growth is going to feel super uncomfortable.

What can help here?

Find the benefit.

There's always a benefit to doing something over time. 

In this instance? There probably was a time when, due to the circumstances, you thought it was your job to keep everyone happy at home. This automatically spilled over to your friendships, romantic relationships, work, etc.  The benefit to you? You were accepted because you were easy to be around. You did whatever it took to make things smooth and easy for everyone else. Ultimately you received the approval that we as human beings seek and desire because of our tribal feeling of needing to belong.

At what cost?

Oh, there's a cost.

Keeping the peace means you're never fully being yourself. You're always on guard, watching for the reaction of others and ignoring your own needs, and boundaries? Ummm...nil. Not even on the radar screen for you. This belief created a certain behaviour over time.  The lines got really blurry about whose job was whose. Peacekeeping.  If your belief is that your job is to 'keep the peace' the question you might want to ask yourself is "Whose peace am I keeping"?

Are you ready?

Let’s get to it…

Your challenge…

If you're wondering how this relates to growing a skill, let's keep on pulling that thread of the belief that you have to keep the peace. 

Keeping the peace means you're less likely to ask the tough questions because "rocking the boat" may be controversial. However, when you're learning a new skill it's necessary to get curious and ask questions and want to know more and maybe push some boundaries. Poke at what you're being taught.
If you're too concerned with keeping the peace it's going to get in the way of you growing that new skill.

If keeping the peace doesn't resonate for you then insert your own current belief that you're bumping up against and get curious about it.  Dig deep. Beliefs don't have to be carved in stone, you're growing and learning all of the time. Find the benefits then notice the costs. Is it still worth holding on to?

When a belief becomes a roadblock to your desired growth, maybe it's time to let it go.

I'm a few steps ahead of you, shining some light on the breadcrumb trail for you... Contact me  Let's play a bit in the muck!

Warmly,
Ann

Time to dig deep…let’s talk beliefs…

And the toughest judge is...YOU!

How are you doing with letting go? This is so tricky to master and when you do, so liberating. 

A couple of weeks* ago we looked at four things that can stand in the way of you growing a new skill.  Things that you need to let go of in order to move forward.  Turns out that letting go is a skill all by itself!

These are the things that came up.

• Judgement

• Expectations

• Beliefs

• Impatience

After I did my little informal survey l received a couple of messages about the other strong culprit that you can have a hard time letting go of.  Drum roll please... judgement ooh, so relatable that I wanted to give this some air time too. Judgement and unrealistic expectations are so closely intertwined.

Judgement.

Worrying about what others may be thinking about you and what you're up to. Putting too much importance on what others think is natural, as humans we like our tribe and we want to stay connected to them. It's part of our DNA.

In long-ago times, what your tribe thought about you and what you were up to was critical to your survival. If you were ousted, it meant certain death, probably via sabre-tooth tiger. Yikes! That's no longer true at all and yet it can still feel that way. Hence the reason we put so much weight on what others may be thinking about what we're doing.

Worrying too much about others' opinions, essentially seeking the approval of others, can lead to self-doubt. Who has time for that!!?  Especially considering that others are doing the same thing you're doing. They're worried about you judging them too! So they're not particularly paying attention to where you're at at all. Seriously.

But what's the harshest judgement you'll probably come up against? Yours.  

You're biased. You're too close to your situation and you probably have unrealistic expectations and maybe some old beliefs that aren't true anymore.


As a reminder, realistic expectations happen when:

• You start with a plan.

• You start where YOU are.

• You ask for help.

• You take time to look back and reflect on your progress.

All of those elements help manage expectations and you know what else they're going to do? They're going to help you with the judgement that comes up because when your expectations are more realistic, your judgement can decrease.



Are you ready?

Let’s get to it…

Your challenge…

How do you let go of your judgement when you're learning a new skill?

• Let's talk about self-judgement.

  • Most people are harder on themselves than anyone else ever would be. Next time you're coming down on yourself for not being as far along as you think you should be, try this: Imagine that you have a really good friend going through the same situation. What would you say to them? 

• Reflection.

  • As with expectations, it's important to reflect as you go along and check in. If you notice you're starting to say "I shoulda, woulda, coulda." Stop. Ask yourself. Am I being realistic?

• When it comes to judgement, instead of beating yourself up, ask for feedback.

  •  Ask someone who's been there but is just a few steps ahead of you to give you feedback. Be careful who you ask.  Remember that your friends aren't always your truth-tellers and your truth-tellers aren't always your friends. This is where a trusted mentor can be really useful.

• Normalize self-compassion and patience.

  • Have a realistic benchmark. Social media exaggerates progress and achievement. That's not the real world. Find somebody who you can model who's doing what you're aspiring to do and connect with them.

Remember that discomfort comes with newness. It's part of the learning process. You've got this!

I'm a few steps ahead of you, shining some light on the breadcrumb trail for you... Contact me  Let's play a bit in the muck!

Warmly,
Ann

And the toughest judge is…You!

How's that grip? Letting go is a skill too!

You've embarked on learning a new skill, congratulations! It's exciting to have a goal, you set off with great intentions and then it gets difficult.  It's normal to want to jump to the end...the part where you have it all figured out. Tick that box. Move forward. Wouldn't that be nice? You could avoid all of those uncomfortable feelings of being a beginner again and automatically be an expert. Not how it works at all.

What behaviour or idea do you have a hard time letting go of when you're learning a new skill? Letting go is also a skill!

Last week* we looked at four things that can stand in the way of you growing a new skill.  Things that you need to let go of in order to move forward.

• Judgement

• Expectations

• Beliefs

• Impatience

When I did a little informal survey this past weekend, 80% of the respondents said that it was their expectations that were the hardest to let go of when it came to growing a new skill.

Expectations.

"You have to get it right! What's taking so long? You should have this figured out already."  It's easy to cut others some slack, however, when it comes to yourself... the bar is higher. It's okay for others to mess up and take their time acquiring new skills but not you. 

Here's the thing, expectations are not bad.  It's the unrealistic expectations that you have that cause trouble and these are what you need to let go of.

What unrealistic expectations?

• Hanging on to the idea that things must be a certain way, and occur within a certain time.

• Trying to measure up to someone else.

• Being able to do it alone.

• That it should happen overnight.

Based on what exactly?


It's the expectations and judgement you put on yourself that can cause the most trouble. So here's your permission to cut yourself some slack. 

Are you ready?

Let’s get to it…

Your challenge…

Think of a skill that you would like to build.

How do you let go of your unrealistic expectations when you're learning a new skill?

•  Make a plan.
  

  • Sounds really basic and yet when you're excited to start something new, this step can be missed.

  •  It doesn't have to be a plan that has every single detail in it but having a map that includes milestones is step one in managing your expectations in a realistic and manageable way. It can be flexible and change as you progress. 

• Start where you are.
  

  • Stay in your own lane so to speak - you're a unique individual and what worked for someone else may not work for you. This is key to keeping your expectations realistic. 

• Ask for help!
  

  • If it seems daunting - recruit help. I can't tell you how much time I wasted in the past by not asking for help. Know what you can and can't do and then get someone who has "been there/done that" to mentor you or point you in the right direction. People love to help.

• Be Consistent.
  

  • Show up. Do the work and watch your skills grow. Being consistent and persistent WILL pay off. Promise.

• Reflect.

  • Make sure you look back every now and then and see how far you've come. 

There can be discomfort in making the inevitable mistakes that come along with doing something new.  It's called learning.

Letting go of unrealistic expectations. Part of the process of learning a new skill.

Practice. Fail. Learn. Repeat. Oh yeah...and cut yourself some slack along the way...Persisting and forgiving yourself when the inevitable "fails" occur.  Knowing that failure is part of the process and being willing to brush yourself off and keep going.  That's what it's all about.

I'm a few steps ahead of you, shining some light on the breadcrumb trail for you... Contact me  Let's play a bit in the muck!

Warmly,
Ann

How’s that grip? Letting go is a skill too!

Loosen your grip! It's time to let go of that Sh*t!

Letting go.  What does that have to do with growing your confidence or any other skill for that matter?

Plenty!

Often it's the things you're hanging on to that are preventing you from making changes or developing those skills you want.

What kinds of things?

• Judgement.

  • Worrying about what others may be thinking about you and what you're up to? Putting too much importance on what others think is natural, as humans we like our tribe and we want to stay connected to them. It's part of our DNA.

  • Here's a newsflash... other people are too busy worrying about their own stuff! In fact, if you explore you may find that the judgement that's coming from YOU is what may be stopping you from growing your confidence. Let that sh*t go! 

• Expectations.

  • Maybe it's an expectation you have of yourself?  "You have to get it right! What's taking so long? You should have this figured out already.' It's easy to cut others some slack, however, when it comes to yourself...often, the bar gets set in a different place, and it's usually higher. It's okay for others to mess up and take their time acquiring new skills but not you. Let go of those unreasonable expectations...

• Beliefs. 

  • This is a loaded one for sure. Beliefs. They create boundaries and direct your focus. This tends to narrow it, including some information and excluding other information and perspectives that are out there. It's more than likely that you have some beliefs that you're hanging on to that aren't actually yours. Your entire life you've been influenced by others, and that's pretty normal. Maybe some of those beliefs are stopping you from growing, or aren't resonating for you anymore. Notice. What belief are you hanging onto that's no longer useful for this phase of your life? Let it go...

• Impatience.

  • Impatience.  Needing to rush through and be the expert rather than being kind and taking the time it needs to build that skill. In a hurry to reach the finish line when there never really is a finish line. 

Ready to explore?

Let’s get to it…

Your challenge…

Imagine a skill that you want to grow right now, maybe it's confidence, maybe it's something else entirely. Just call something to mind. 

• Judgement.

  • Let's talk about self-judgement. Most people are harder on themselves than anyone else ever would be. Next time you're coming down on yourself for not being as far along as you think you should be, try this: Imagine that you have a really good friend going through the same situation. What would you say to them? 

• Expectations.

  • Are the expectations you're putting on yourself realistic? Are they yours or are you trying to impress someone else? Remember that there's no such thing as perfection and pretending that there is, is futile and self-destructive. Besides, no one else is expecting it from you.

• Beliefs. 

  • Check in and notice.  Is there a particular belief that seems to be coming between you and your growth? Dig deep. Is it yours?  Even if it is yours...beliefs don't have to be carved in stone, you're growing and learning all of the time. When a belief becomes a roadblock maybe it's time to let it go.

• Impatience. 
  

  • When you're patient with yourself you may find that you become more relaxed and in fact, you start to progress on your skill building more easily. 

Whatever pops up for you. Ask yourself. What can I choose to let go of today?  By letting go of this thing, what are you doing for yourself? What are you creating space for? Take some time right now to let something bubble to the surface for you.

I'm a few steps ahead of you, shining some light on the breadcrumb trail for you... Contact me  Let's play a bit in the muck!

Warmly,
Ann

Why work with me?  If you're looking at growing your confidence (or any other skill)... and you want to work with somebody who gets it, who's still on the path...I'm your person! Contact me  Plus we'll have a lot of fun too!

Loosen your grip!! It’s time to let go of that sh*t!

Is it time to get messy?

Sounds like a weird question and this confidence-building business...it can get messy. That's because building confidence isn't a linear process. It's more like the jagged line you see in an ECG. Ups and downs...that's what it's like because it's not a one-and-done, every situation is going to present different challenges.

What can you learn to do?  Embrace the messiness.  That's a big request considering that one of your basic human needs is for comfort and safety. That's literally, it. We want to stay in our comfort zone and be safe. Growing your confidence means you actually can't stay in your comfort zone so you're naturally going to feel a little fear (aka unsafe).

What can you do? How do you overcome your need for safety and comfort in service of growing your confidence?

Here are a few questions you can ask yourself:

• What am I afraid of?

  • Not surprisingly the things that you may be afraid of are things like:

    • Embarrassment - what are they going to think?

    • Failure or, not doing it "right".

    • Being seen.

• What's the best thing that could happen here?

  • Not the usual question that you tend to ask, is it?  Often you're looking for the worst-case scenario. That's because humans are wired to look for the negative. It even sounds like we're being smart.

• What's one tiny step I can take now to grow my confidence?

  • It could be the tiniest thing: reaching out to a friend to ask for a referral or sending an email.  Picking up the phone, posting a video.

 
...and still, it will get messy and that's okay!  It's in the mess and the muck that you'll find your true confidence - what it is for you.  It's different for everyone.

The mistake we often make? Comparing our inside feelings to somebody else's outside behaviour.  Spoiler alert...Just because someone holds it together doesn't mean that their insides aren't quivering! Confidence is acknowledging the quivering and taking courageous steps. 

It's different for everyone... however, at the start, it's always a bit messy because confidence comes with trying something and experiencing failure and fear and making mistakes. Usually repeatedly. Until you don't.  
 
Speaking from experience... it gets easier. It's also a continuous work in progress.  Eventually, the time from feeling those feelings, asking the questions, and taking action gets shorter and shorter. 


Ready to explore?

Let’s get to it…

Your challenge…


Think of one place in your life right now where you'd like to feel more confident and then ask yourself:

• What am I afraid of?

  • Embarrassment, failure, not doing it right, being seen.

  • All of those things. When in fact if you allow yourself to take a chance and do something? You're shining a light for someone else, you're leaving a breadcrumb trail for someone else to follow.

• What's the best thing that could happen here?

  • Why this question rather than the usual one?  Because you tend to notice and focus on those things that can go wrong naturally, you don't need any help doing that! When you're looking for the best that could happen you may be more likely to focus on the wins than the losses.

• What's one tiny step I can take now to grow my confidence?

  • Why the tiny step?  It's manageable, doable, and retractable. Let's say you take that tiny step and you're not happy with it. Easy!  You can step back. No harm, no foul. Except...by taking that step you've proved to yourself that you are willing to and CAN take a step. And, what if you just happen to be happy with it? You can build upon it by taking another, tiny step. This is how transformation can happen. This is how you grow confidence.

These are little ways to quiet things in your head and help to grow your confidence.

You're gonna mess up. Growing confidence isn't neat and clean...it's messy. It means trying something, falling on your knees, getting back up, and trying again...it's a process.  I'm a few steps ahead of you, shining some light on the breadcrumb trail for you...you've got this!

Ready to get messy?!  Contact me  Let's play a bit in the muck!

Warmly,
Ann

Is it time to get messy?

1, 2, 3, ...ready? Go!

1, 2, 3,...ready?

How do you know?

Is it a feeling? A decision? Or...both?

I read somewhere that "readiness" isn't always a feeling, it can be a decision.  In my experience? It can be a combination.  

Sometimes you just "know" you're ready for something - for me, it's usually a sensation in my heart or gut. Like when I was at the starting line for a race.  The preparation was done and it was a matter of waiting for the starter pistol. I always felt a visceral pull in my chest...a sign, amongst others,  that I was ready to go.

Other times?  A decision had to be made. There were no physical/visual/auditory cues...at least not at first. 

How about you?  How do you know when you're "ready" for something?  Do you wait for the feeling, or make a decision?

The cool thing? When you make that decision to be ready, you CAN  pull on those sensations or, they will come up.  It's just that they come up after you've made the decision to be ready.

Chicken or egg situation? Maybe.  Regardless...both seem to work.

Readiness can be an intellectual decision and also a feeling. Knowing that intellectualizing something and thinking about it sometimes isn't enough to get you going. It's easier to respond to a feeling for sure.

So how do you make that distinction? How do you decide that you're ready for something?

By tuning into the unique clues you already have deep inside of you. 

Ready to explore?

Let’s get to it…

Your challenge…

What prevents you from feeling "ready enough"?  Overthinking, doubt, fear? Or any one of the usual suspects. 

Imagine picking one situation now and let's explore how you can make a decision to be ready. 
I suggest that you read these instructions and then take a moment to close your eyes and do this exercise.

Start with a deep breath and let's go! 

I want you to think of a time you felt ready for something. Allow something to come up for you.  Whatever comes up is the right thing in this moment. Your brain doesn't do random.

• Start to track through your body and notice all the physical sensations that you are feeling.  

  • I tend to feel a pull in my chest when I'm ready for something. For you, it may be completely different. Pay attention. What are some of the physical sensations? Notice your breath, any sensations of tension or relaxation, tingling or warmth. Notice. What do you feel in your body when you're ready for something?

• Now draw your attention to the sounds of this experience.

  • Notice any sounds around you. Are they loud or soft, muffled or clear?  Maybe there's a rhythm to them? What about inside your head? Sometimes there's a voice going on, or a song. Pay attention to any sounds there too.

• When you finish checking in with the sounds take a moment to notice what you're seeing in this experience. 

  • Where's the light coming from? Is it a moving picture or is it still? Focused or blurry? All of those things. Take in all of the details of what you're seeing.  If you can't see anything then imagine what you would see.

• Then track through once more.

  • Get really clear on what being ready feels like for you. 

This is what it feels like to be 'ready' for you. Awesome.

Now check in with that small situation you picked and notice what's different about it.

Readiness is a feeling.

The thing is, sometimes being ready won't start with a feeling, sometimes, being ready is going to have to be a conscious decision that ends up with the feeling.  It can be a conscious decision. The cool thing?  When you make that decision to be ready, oftentimes, the feelings will come back up in your body so you'll get that knowing sensation in your body.

Don't knock it until you try it! Everything you've done has happened in your body, trust it.

Confidence is a process. Essentially it's making the decision to be brave and courageous and just do that thing that you may not feel completely ready for. A process of trying things, often before you "feel" ready, and, with practice and the reminder that you do know how to "do" ready...you can nudge the process along.  You've got this!

If you're ready to be ready Contact me  You have all of the skills, strengths, and capabilities you need. Let’s work together and reconnect you with them!

Warmly,
Ann

1, 2, 3, …ready? Go!

Stop getting in your own way! Yes...I'm talking to YOU!

What's the biggest obstacle standing between you and what you want?

You.

What's up with that anyway? Why do we stop ourselves from getting what we want?  Seems pretty silly, doesn't it? You'd think that we would be our own advocate, wouldn't you?

Hard truth. But you're not reading this for the easy stuff, are you?

You want to show up, take up space and grow your confidence.

Let's look at some of the common things that can get in your way. Maybe you'll see yourself here or, maybe they'll prompt you to notice what gets in your way.

Here are some common ones:

1. Overthinking.

2. What other people may think.

3. Self-doubt.

Can you relate?

They like to show up...especially when you're onto something big. Not convenient at all.

Let's unpack these obstacles...

• Overthinking.

  • Just the term suggests that you're doing too much of something.  In this case, thinking.  This can send you down all of the pathways of doom and gloom - you know the "what can go wrong" trip. It lets you believe that you're thinking about all of the possible options. When does thinking cross over to overthinking? When you're cycling around and around and not taking any action.

• What other people think. 

  • One of my personal favourites that I'm actively working on. Because we're pack animals, it's in our DNA to care what others in our tribe may think about the decisions we make.  Historically, their disapproval could have led to abandonment and sure death via a saber tooth tiger.  Not so much now! But those feelings are REAL. 

• Self-Doubt

  • Why does this one feel so icky? Probably because the one person you should be able to count on and trust is YOU! Self-doubt causes you to doubt your instincts, the feeling that you get in your heart or gut that you can't explain so you push it down. You doubt it and ultimately, yourself. 

The cool thing about all of these? They can't exist when you're in action. An action that doesn't have to be big to be effective. One step can take you away from overthinking and self-doubt. And it's pretty difficult to worry about what others are thinking when you're doing stuff!  Action. It really is the elixir!

There's more good news here for you as well. You DO have all the skills, strengths, and capabilities you need to overcome or work with the things that get in your way. 

Ready to explore?

Let’s get to it…

Your challenge…

Pick one small situation where you're not getting any traction and consider the following:

• Overthinking:

  • When you find yourself falling into this spiral it's definitely time to get out of the situation. Step away and get some distance, perhaps literally.  Go for a walk, do some sun salutations...anything. Allow your mind to wander. When you come back to the situation commit to taking one small action.

• What other people think:

  • Ask yourself: Do they have what I want? Are they successful at the things I strive for?  Or the biggie - would you want their life? Pay attention to the answers that come up.  

• Self-Doubt:

  • Ask yourself: What fear is getting in my way? Yep, fear is typically at the root of self-doubt. Fear of rejection, getting it wrong, disappointing someone or yourself. Pay attention. 

What if you treated your obstacles as information? Something to be curious about rather than something to judge. Acknowledge them and then commit to action. Pick up the phone. Hit send on the email. Post that video. Then exhale. It's a process and you're doing great.


If you're ready to become your own advocate Contact me  You have all of the skills, strengths, and capabilities you need. Let’s work together and reconnect you with them!

Warmly,
Ann

Stop getting in your own way! Yes…I’m talking to YOU.

Playing small? Buckle up...it's time to be seen!

Stand up. Be seen. Speak your truth. Take up space. All of it. 
That's what confidence can do for you...

As Lizzo says..."It's about damn time!"  Yes, it is.

Getting real, being me, and inviting you to come along and do the same, get real, be all of your beautiful, messy human self. No perfection here. 

Similar to setting boundaries, when you stand up, speak your truth, and, take up space, not everyone is going to welcome it.  Also like setting boundaries, others who benefited from you playing the sidekick may not like you hopping into the driver's seat. That's ok. They'll get used to it or, maybe they won't. Regardless, staying small serves absolutely no one, least of all YOU.  

It isn't always easy. Sure there are places where it comes really easily and I'm guessing for you too probably. I say these things to you because I'm learning the same lessons. I'm just becoming more willing to show my underbelly here. To let you know that you're not alone on this journey of building your confidence. It's a process. 

Feeling the fear and showing up. Shifting your mindset from a "what will they think" perspective to more of an "I've got something to contribute here" perspective. Trusting that deep knowing you have inside of you that, if you really pay attention, guides you.

It can be a bit easier to step aside, at least it was for me. Let them have the microphone so to speak. Not so much anymore. That doesn't mean I'm bullying my way into grabbing the microphone, that's not it at all.  Rather, I'm recognizing the contributions I have to offer. My voice matters (and so does yours by the way!) even if someone else doesn't agree with me. My approach has become - that's okay, that's good to know - and I carry on.

How about you my friend?

Know that what you have to say matters so keep showing up and speaking up and taking up that f***king space because all of us can shine in our own way.

I want you to know I'm maybe a few steps ahead of you, that's all, and if you're interested, I'm leaving you some breadcrumbs so you can come along too...

So buckle up...it's about to get real in here...

Ready to be seen?

Let’s get to it…

Your challenge…

Ready to stop playing safe and be seen?  It's gonna be uncomfortable and worth it.

• Start small.

  • Don't pick the most daunting situation to start with. Pick one where you know you've been wanting to show up more authentically.

• Have a witness.

  • What does this mean? If it's a situation where there's a trusted third party who can support you, ask them to give you feedback after.

• Practice. Practice.

  • Then practice some more. When you're trying any new skill, practice is necessary. You're building new pathways in that noggin of yours and it's going to take some work to override the old programming that you're accustomed to.

Remember, when you decide it's time to be seen, others won't be used to it, and...they will get used to it!  It's going to feel risky if it's something you've never done before. Avoiding risk means no risk and, if you don't take a risk, nothing's going to change. The people who truly care about you will understand, respect, and support you.

And, if you meet resistance, remember:

It's about you. It's your time to shine.

If you're *ready to speak up and take up space Contact me  You have all of the skills, strengths, and capabilities you need. Let’s work together and reconnect you with them!

Warmly,
Ann

*What if, instead of being a feeling you had, READY was a decision you made?

Did you miss my last blog? They're always available on my website www.steppingstonecoaching.ca

Contact me to start taking a step towards building your confidence.  You've got this.


I have a YouTube Channel! If you don't have any social media, it's a great way to see some of my Confidence Tip Videos.
Check it out: https://youtube.com/@anndeluca8060

Playing small? Buckle up…it’s time to be seen!

Is it time for the talk?

Let's Talk Boundaries…

“The only people who’ll be upset by your boundaries, are those who benefited from you having none.” - Unknown

It's time to get real here. About a year ago I was burnt out, over-committed ...just plain done. I figured a break was in order and so I awkwardly tried to set a boundary and, much like the quote above, the first response I received was that it wasn't good timing for someone else.

Tough shit.

I can say that now but I most certainly couldn't articulate it then. I've changed, and I'm continuing to work on this whole skill of boundary setting. Particularly tough when people pleasing and seeking the approval of others was at the top of the list for me. Not necessarily by choice. More by habit. Habits that were set up a very long time ago. These habits were becoming a detriment to me and my growth and it was time to take a stand for me.

How about you? What habits do you have that are getting in the way of setting some healthy boundaries?

For many of you reading this, you've been socialized to please others and seek approval, NOT to set healthy boundaries.  It's not your fault. It comes from your lived experiences that, over time created habits and these habits were definitely useful to you at some point in your life. That was then. This is now. 

I am grateful for what happened now.  The gift of 20/20 hindsight is that, over time, things get more and more clear. 

So here are a few things I learned:

• Trust your intuition.

  • Don't ignore it and let things pile up.

• Don't make someone or something a priority over your own needs.

  • A default behaviour for people pleasers by the way...

• Check in and see: Is the way you're spending your time and energy aligned with your values?

  • If it's not, there's eventually going to be a disconnect.

How do you know it's time to set a boundary?

• You know you need to set a boundary when you're more worried about how the other person is going to feel than your own feelings.

• You start to feel resentful and maybe some anger and fear.

• You've lost track of your priorities. 

Here's some food for thought:

• Ask yourself: What do you need?

  • A tip here - check in with your values*.

• When you start to set boundaries that are in your best interest expect pushback.

  • This isn't going to come from those who support you, it's going to come from those who benefited from your lack of boundaries.

• Be prepared for a whole different set of feelings.

  • For example, feelings of guilt and fear are a normal part of the process. If you're not used to setting boundaries, this often comes up.

Ready to set some boundaries?

Let’s get to it…

Your challenge…

If you're new at setting boundaries it's going to feel awkward.

• It's going to take some practice, so start small and build the muscle.

  • Where's one small place where you can start?

• Prepare for your conversation in advance.

  • This may mean writing what you want to say down on paper and practicing it.

• Make it about you.

  • Remember, you're going to be less likely to compromise on what's important to you.

• Give yourself some grace.

  • You're trying a new skill, it may not go smoothly the first time.

When you decide to put a line in the sand remember, others won't be used to it, and...they will get used to it!  It's going to feel risky if it's something you've never done before. The thing about risk is, avoiding it means no risk but if you don't take a risk, nothing's going to change. The people who truly care about you will understand and respect you and your boundaries.

And if you meet resistance, remember:

"The only people who’ll be upset by your boundaries, are those who benefited from you having none.” - Unknown 

This in and of itself will confirm that a boundary is necessary.

If you're ready to set some boundaries Contact me  You have all of the skills, strengths, and capabilities you need. Let’s work together and reconnect you with them!

Warmly,
Ann

*Not clear on your values? There are several free online questionnaires (e.g. https://www.viacharacter.org/ ) you can do or you can sit down and write the things that light you up, bring you joy, and make your heart sing - those are big clues.

Is it time for the talk? Let’s talk boundaries…